YANKEE IN A STRANGE LAND

A friend of mine used to sell tools to the miners and mechanics up the hollows in Eastern Kentucky. His supervisor, a “Yankee” from “up East,” came down to see how he was doing. They drove to one of the remote mining sites and parked the boss’ Chevy van beside the road. “Should we leave it here,” he asked. “Why not,” came the reply. “The most they can do is steal the wheels!” And that’s exactly what they did. Arriving back at the van in ptch black darkness, the supervisor yelled at Jim, “I can’t find the key hole! What the hell is going on?” What was going on was that the van was sitting on the brake drums! They spent the rest of the night trying to find some wheels that would fit, and that Yankee boss never appeared in Eastern Kentucky again!

TENNIS RAGE

I have a friend named Tim, a large, athletic man and a fierce competitor on the tennis court. He’s the only human being I’ve ever known who could hit a perfect passing shot down the line while facing the back fence. On a sweltering summer day, after having been smoked by several early impossible shots I angrily smacked the ball in the direction of the cables that went to the lights that lighted the courts, and they came crashing down to drape the metal chain link fence that surrounded the courts. It was the first time that I’d ever heard Tim swear. “Don’t touch the fence,” we both yelled, fearful that someone might be electrocuted!

WORTH REMEMBERING

Fellow got some “memory pills” at Wal-Mart. He took one then threw the rest away. “Why,” asked a friend, “did you throw the rest away?” I didn’t like what I was remembering,” came the reply.

POLISH “PRESENT”

There were a bunch of guys from Pittsburgh in Army boot camp in WWII with Polish sounding surnames that nobody could pronounce. Somebody flushed the toilet and three guys answered “present.”

DIRECTIONS

One of my friends was lost out in the country. He stopped his car and yelled over the fence to a man on a tractor, “How do you get to Corbin?” “I don’t know,” the farmer replied. “My brother-in-law always takes me.”

STREAKER DESIRE?

On the University of Kentucky campus in Lexington during the height of the “streaker” fad in the 1960s, someone lowered a banner out of a window of the Engineering Building which said, “We’re waiting for a streaker named desire,” a takeoff on a movie and play popular during the time.

WHAT STUFF?

The guys at the Armco Steel plant were complaining about a fellow worker who smelled so badly that nobody wanted to work around him. “Somebody’s deodorant is not working,” a man bellowed out in a not too subtle hint. “It’s not me,” came the reply. “I don’t use none of that stuff.”

WALLEYE RUN

On Dale Hollow Lake, one of our best fishing holes, everyone looked forward to the spring “Walleye Run.” Someone came rushing into a local restaurant shouting, “Walleye are a’runnin’. Walleye are a’runnin’.” “I don’t care who’s a’runnin,” came the reply. I ain’t votin’ for none of them guys.”

A SURE LIE

If a story ends with “Now this really happened…,” you can rest assured, it isn’t true.

A HEARING PROBLEM

Heard at McDonald’s: “You’ve talked so much you’ve wore out the batteries in my hearing aid!”

A FREE RIDE

A mother asked her young son what he’d done with the $5 she gave him for church. “I met the preacher at the door and he let me in for free,” he said.

WALLPAPER FRUIT

I bought some coveralls from a friend who sells almost everything from a little shop we call Wal-Mart South. “Why did you reduce the price from $20 to $18?” I asked. “I saw your woman eating grapes off the wallpaper,” he replied.

TWO FIDDLERS

Two fiddlers at the annual fiddle contest in Ashland, Kentucky:  “We live close enough to steal chickens from each other.”

TELLING TIME

Two fellas who couldn’t tell time were talkin’. “What time is it?” asked one. “It’s right here,” answered the other. “Damned if it ain’t!” replied his friend.

YOU FLY?

He had his ship blown out from under him by a torpedo in the Mediterranean in WWII. On returning home, he learned that his younger brother was all set to join the Air Force. “Why not the Navy?” he inquired. “I can’t swim,” came the reply. “Well, how well do you fly?” asked the Navy vet.

 

[Ernie Tucker has written numerous pieces for columnistwithaview.com. Recently, he turned in a different type of manuscript. It's a collection of humorous incidents he has encountered around Eastern Kentucky. I think you'll enjoy them.