Mr. Christian woke up, thanked God for the air, his wife, and the Republican party. He told his stupid kids to hurry the hell up as they were leaving for church; he told his wife to wash off her make up as she looked like a whore, then told her to put it back on when he realized she was covering her bruises.

On the way to church he stopped by McDonalds to get coffee and tell the sinners they shouldn’t work on the Lord’s day. Then, he told them to get real jobs and stop living off his taxes.

When the Christian family got to church they hugged, shook hands and sat together in the third pew back, left side. They sat rigid unmoving smiles on and sang the required songs. They stood and sat when told to–doing just enough without making a fuss of an amen or a testimony as that took up too much lunch time before the Sunday afternoon game.

They thanked the Pastor and paid their tithe. Mr. Christian signed his wife up to teach Sunday school, teach Vacation Bible School, and lead the bake sales for the next quarter. She worked full time as he did, but he knew she’d figure it out, and if she got stressed, no problem. He’d yell at her, telling her not to sign up for so much stuff.

Mr. Christian got home and sat in his favorite chair while wife and kids fixed dinner. When he got up to move to the table and sit down, everything wasn’t ready, so he yelled at his wife “Why won’t you just sit down already so I can ‘say grace’ and start eating.

Then she had to get back up and finish her work (hopefully before he wanted what she was getting ready) or he would yell, “Oh, I guess we don’t have any…. Honey, why did you let us run out of…. Then, he would shovel a few plates full down his gullet before getting up complaining of being exhausted and sit down to watch TV. Of course, he wouldn’t help clean up lunch. That wasn’t his job. He worked!

The fact that she worked full time as well did not even register with him. If the kids ever followed him into the living room, he would smack them and tell them to go help their mother. Yes, God was good. His team was winning. He was a white man in White America. The new president promised to get rid of non-whites, Muslims and queers. Things were looking up for Mr. Christian.

 

 

[James Merritt is a frequent contributor to Columnist with a View. His satirical and short, macabre vignettes illustrate views that are often overlooked. He lives in Maryland.]