I like the “you may be a redneck” jokes by Jeff Foxworthy. He is a little crude to be sure, but it’s good redneck humor in my mind. I’m thinking about going on the road with my own, “you may be a geezer if…” theme, since I know from personal experience what a “geezer” is. (I may be over-qualified) Here are some of my observations:

1. If you’re older than any person in the obituaries… “You may be a geezer.”

2. If your idea of a sexy car is a very, very big, four-door sedan… “You may be a geezer.”

3. If your teen-aged idea of cool transportation was a square-shaped Cushman motor scooter… “You may be a geezer.”

4. If you not only forget to zip up, but you sometimes forget to zip down… “You may be a geezer.”

5. If you remember, with some affection, the ’37 flood that devastated the Ohio Valley…”You may be a geezer.”

6. If you remember when male swim garb was brief, tight, woolen, dark-colored, and sported a belt…”You may be a geezer.”

7. If your only birth control device began with an “R” and it’s been several years since you bought a pack…”You may be a geezer.”

8. If you knew by heart what your draft lottery number was…”You may be a geezer.”

9. If you became a teacher and have since discovered that most of your students have retired…”You may be a geezer.”

10. If friends whom you haven’t seen in years, greet you with a cheery “You’re looking good,” but they mean, “I thought you were dead,”…”You may be a geezer.”

11. If your parents spoke of the turn of the century and they didn’t mean this one…”You may be a geezer.”

12. If you back out of your driveway never expecting someone else might be using that same road…”You may be a geezer.”

13. If your turn signal is still on a half mile after you’ve turned…”You may be a geezer.”

14. If your friends no longer ask if you are preparing for the future (unless it’s your preacher)…”You may be a geezer.”

15. If no one cards you anymore in a restaurant…”You may be a geezer.”

16. If  senior discounts are automatically given without your asking…”You may be a geezer.”

17. If you let out more air than you take in…”You may be a geezer.”

18. If you doze off in the middle of a conversation…”You may be a geezer.”

19. If you think preservatives in foods are there to make you live longer and better…”You may be a geezer.”

20. If your children seem to be divvying up your possessions…”You may be a geezer.”

21. If you finally know everything but no one wants to hear about it…”You may be a geezer.”

22. If you need to make new friends, or you have no friends left at all…”You may be a geezer.”

23. If the better part of your conversations involve your past and present ailments and medicines…”You may be a geezer.”

24. If you speak into a cell phone as if you were talking into two tomato cans joined by a string…”You may be a geezer.”

25. If you use expressions like “In my day” and “When I was a boy” or “My mother or father used to say”…”You may be a geezer.”

26. If you think everything you should have learned should have been learned in school…”You may be a geezer.”

27. If you think that you would have done better in school if you had just applied yourself…”You may be a geezer.”

28. If you can remember what a p-38 can opener was…”You may be a geezer.”

29. If you can remember when T-shirts were white with nothing printed on them…”You may be a geezer.”

30. If, when the preacher says “You should be thinking of the hereafter,” you think every time I walk into another room I think what am I here after…”You may be a geezer.”

31. If you can remember when coal-fired locomotives filled the downtown streets with clouds of smoke…”You may be a geezer.”

32. If you think cars in the past were much better than present-day automobiles…”You may be a geezer.”

33. If you rant on and on about how much better public schools were in the past than they are now…”You may be a geezer.”

34. If you think Americans were more patriotic, better educated, more religious, and nicer in the past that they are today…”You may be a geezer.”

35. If what used to taste good to you now tastes bad, or you can’t taste it at all…”You may be a geezer.”

36. If you remember when most houses were painted white and lead-free paint was unknown…”You may be a geezer.”

37. If you remember when all phones were attached to a wire…”You may be a geezer.”

38. If you think you’re in mid-life, but don’t know anyone who is 140 years old…”You may be a geezer.”

39. If you think the 1950s were the best times in which to live in the history of humankind…”You may be a geezer.”

40. Lastly, if you feel compelled to add to this list,…”You are a certifiable geezer!”